I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
