If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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