That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
