If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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