i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
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