my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
love makes seman taste better
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize