You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
