You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
