hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
