I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Watching her eat just hurts me
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
