I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
