i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
