Fine. I'll sleep in my office
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
