Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
