Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
God I need to hump something, right now.
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