i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
