I met the friendliest cop last night
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
