I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
