i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
