Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize