idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
