You're my little dorito
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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