Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
