i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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