I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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