I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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