So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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