i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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