well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
