where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
