i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
