life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
