Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
