so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I don't deserve a penis
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
