hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
