So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
