I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
