I can text with my tongue
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
