The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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