I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
