Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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