I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
