So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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