Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I think I won the penis lottery.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
