I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
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