my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
