Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
