And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
