he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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