This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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