is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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