i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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