i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
