I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
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