I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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