There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Pooping to opera.
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