tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
