Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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