don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
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