just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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